Testimony Talks Vol. 1

Overcoming Anxiety - Retrospect (2 years ago)

Instagram feeds are nothing but peoples highlight reel. Most people aren't posting their sorrows and sadness, and yet we all have that. So, Is this the place for a pity party? No. It's the opportunity to share with others that life goes on, and you can get through whatever challenge you have experienced. I had so many testimonies to share in the beginning of the year, and still do. But sometimes it feels like the longer you wait to share your blessings, the new and current storms over shadow the good. I have had a rough year. Ups and downs with my marriage, struggling with the decision to switch one of my daughters school, starting a new job that undoubtedly challenged me, and struggling to identify myself in new norms. New anxieties, new fears, new revelations about self that I'm still processing. But the testimony in it all is that I'm still here. When my options were keep going, fight, or quit. I didn't choose the latter. I have seen others around me buckle under pressure, succumb to the stress and strain and struggle to bounce back. The mercy that God has extended me has allowed me the grace to walk the tight line unscathed. I can rejoice in the reality that I'm still here. That I didn't get swept away by the tide of stress and struggle. This whole site is dedicated to how to keep going gracefully, but in this testimony I'll share candidly how I've gotten through the first two quarters of the year.

Married but separated. Struggling with self worth. Trying to become financially independent. Those are just a few of the things I was dealing with as this year started. A few months into my new job I found myself shopping to reward myself for working hard. Shopping to feel euphoric and when the packages came in the mail or I got the items in my closet, they sat there collecting dust. One day I was sitting in my bed looking at the closet, seeing boxes I had yet to open, clothes I had yet to wear, and it felt like someone squeezed my chest from the inside. I could almost add up all the money I had spent instead of saved and I was overwhelmed. Not to mention I had a nearly $500 pair of eye glasses still waiting at the Lenscrafter for me to pick up. That was the first realization that my anxiety, depression, stress, etc. Had settled in. I wanted to seek help in that moment but I didn't. I procrastinated, telling myself I just needed to exercise self control. But when I found myself at work, shopping online, getting anxious when I couldn't find something to buy, feeling overwhelmed by my own actions, having anxiety more frequently, I reached out to my former marriage counselor. I felt relieved just for reaching out and the moment I sat on the couch I unloaded and realized how much I had been carrying. So imagine my dismay when he ended the session referring me to someone else. I felt abandoned by yet again another man. I felt frustrated because I consider myself to be an introvert and I was not trying to have to recap another individual on my life. And in my mind it takes understanding my past and childhood to understand my behaviors, how would I get immediate help when I'd have to start over educating someone on me. Needless to say, I had anxiety about meeting this new therapist. I went as far as looking her up on LinkedIn, I had to assess my feelings about her or decide if I would just give up on the idea of things looking differently. After self-proclaimed cyber stalking her, I decided to show up for our appointment. A decision that certainly made the enemy mad. When I arrived, it was the exact time of our appointment, but the office door was locked and my cell phone wouldn't keep a charge long enough to get someone on the phone. So many thoughts of discord began to sow in my mind. Sitting in my car, exhausting my efforts to get in touch with the person who was supposed to help me navigate these tough moments, the irony was not lost on me. After sitting in the car outside the therapists office for nearly 30 mins, I was able to get the phone to charge enough to check a voicemail she left me. When I finally spoke to her she came and let me into the office and I was so tense but primed for a release of pain, anger, and frustration. There was intense opposition set up to keep me from speaking with this therapist but God's grace was in the room because when she began to speak to me about what I was projecting, I knew God directed me to the right person to help me. Her tempermant was right but also how she challenged me on the things I said. It was as if she already knew me, in this moment I realize the holy spirit must have revealed my strength to her but also she could hear my weaknesses, fears, and see what I thought I was hiding. Being held accountable to what I said I believed about God, and about myself, allowed me to take a harsh look in the mirror.

 My therapist was the accountability partner that I needed to remind me of the ideals I claim to value. She helped me begin to put into action a plan for success starting with finding the right focus for my life. For me that was focusing on my relationship with God. I began to do that in a real and authentic way with a fervor that  I hadn't done before, and it didn't come without challenge. I have definitely fallen off but I remind myself to pick back up, and God's grace is always sufficient enough for me to do that. He doesn't leave me where I am, he comes along with me giving me subtle cues that he is still there, traces of his love, his word or his promise always creep up in unexpected places. I am thankful for that. My current testimony is simply that I am still in stride. I didn't give up or give in to depression or defeat. I'm simply in stride placing a name to my desires and a higher value on myself.